My Journey to Self-Love

Seven years ago (almost a year since I started college), my high school friend told me via Skype, “Dev, you look chubbier ya. Did you gain weight?”

The statement from that one person hit me so hard. I started looking at myself in the mirror and comparing my face before and during college. I indeed looked chubbier. And at the same time, I started having cystic acnes, the kind that hurts so much. I concluded this: I was fat and ugly. 

I felt really ugly and decided to take a control of myself and my life. How? Through extremely strict diets. So ask me about any kind of diets, chances are - I’ve tried it already. I lost 8 kg (almost 15% of my body weight) in such a short time even though I was not even obese to begin with(!).

Every day, I went to the gym to work out for at least 30-60 mins. I had one banana for breakfast, one mango for lunch, and an apple for dinner. There was a phase when I ONLY had popcorn the entire day or just salad and canned tuna. I also avoided all kinds of carbs. I would occasionally binge eat because my body craved for more calories.

My body weight defined me, and strangely even after reaching my weight back in middle school, I still saw myself being “not skinny enough.”

When I look at photos of myself at the time, I can only cringe because I looked so undernourished and just plain - ugly and scary. 

October 2012

And why is this the worst thing I’ve done to myself?

Because It wasn’t just about the weight I shed, but it’s also about what happened to my body as a consequence of the extreme diets I tried.

What happened exactly? I struggled with hormonal imbalance and cystic acnes. My period went missing for almost a year, which freaked me out. I went back and forth to Singapore to get myself checked (Neil even went with me - he fell asleep at the hospital while waiting for me - haha). The doctor gave me some hormonal pills, which didn’t help. In the end, it was my mom (of course, it’s mom Lina who knows me best) who told me - everything’s going crazy in my body because I was eating too little. 

Was it easy for me to give up my diet? No, it wasn’t because I didn’t see anything wrong with myself. But deep down I knew I had to change. I’m so blessed to have such a supportive family and Neil, who kept on reminding me that I looked fine and to obviously eat more.

It took time, around 2 years, until my period went to being normal again. I wasn’t on such a strict diet anymore, but I still weighed EVERYTHING I ate. Yes, I had that calorie calculator app in my phone. It lasted for another year, and sometimes I wondered if I ever made it to the end of my eating disorder period. I still sometimes think about the number of calories I’ve consumed in a day, but these days - I don’t keep track anymore. I just eat when I’m hungry and try to stop before I get too full. 

Looking back, it’s so crazy how a statement by one person dictated how my life went. Because I focused so much on what other people said, I hurt myself (thinking that I was doing myself a favor) and made people around me worry.

I know that these days, social media, people’s unrealistic expectations, our own distorted views of the “ideal face and body,” and what not make it really hard for us to love ourselves. But as someone who struggled with eating disorder, acnes, and hormonal imbalance for years, I urge everyone to think about the consequences of everything you do. 

If something is bothering your mind, let your loved ones know about it. Talk about your problems. Open up to your loved ones. Ask them for help. Don’t be scared to tell others because believe me - chances are you’re not the only one facing that problem. Don’t be like me who kept everything to herself. I pretended like I was fine even though I was not.

For those thinking of going on strict diets, remember that the ultimate goal is to be healthy, not skinny. Don’t overdo it. One way to love yourself is by taking a good care of your body. Remember that lots of things are uncertain about the future, but the one thing you can be sure of is that you’ll be spending the rest of your life with yourself. So love yourself!

And before you comment on anyone’s appearance, please think again. How would you feel if someone told you, “Did you gain weight?” Think of how your words may affect someone else’s life, whether in positive or negative ways.

I sincerely hope that no one else has to go through what I did in order to finally love him/herself.

Seven years later, I am all happy and have fully recovered from my eating disorder.